Online ShopSecond marriages: your questions answered
Sorting out the issues that come up second time around
Q: Who will give me away?
A: If you remarry after divorce in a Church of England church, the marriage ceremony is the same as if you were doing it for the first time, so your father can give you away -- again -- if you want him to. However, he doesn't have to. It's quite acceptable to be escorted up the aisle by a close male or female relative or friend.
Q: We've both got kids from our previous marriages. Do you think they should get involved in the wedding?
A: What to do about the children is one of the biggest issues facing couples who are remarrying after divorce.
'I think that children like to be involved and I recommend involving them wherever possible,' says therapist and step family expert Claire Salisbury, who runs a support group called Changing Times, Changing Families.
'Leaving them out may give the message that they are not part of this new relationship. The whole process can be very confusing to children and it helps to talk things through as much as possible, keeping an open mind about what their feelings are.'
If the children are older, they may make up their own minds. 'I didn't attend the registry office for my dad's second marriage because it didn't feel right, but I went to the reception afterwards,' says Carole. 'I don't think they minded -- they just got on with enjoying themselves.'
Much will probably also depend on relationships with ex-partners and stepchildren-to-be. 'Both Peter's kids came to the wedding and I was really happy about that,' Helen says. 'I'd got to know them over the few years before we got married and I was so pleased to have them at the ceremony.'
Q: Should I invite my ex to the wedding?
A: Only you will know if it is realistic to do this without risking upsetting someone.
'Every family is different and some remain very friendly,' says Claire Salisbury. 'I think it is unusual for an ex-partner and their family to be present at a second wedding, but not unheard of.'
However, whether or not you invite your ex, you really should tell him or her you are getting married again, out of common courtesy.
Q: It's his second marriage, but my first -- how can I make it special?
A: This kind of situation can be a cause of conflict. 'If it's his second and her first marriage, she and her family may want a traditional wedding and he may not, as he's already had one,' comments Claire Salisbury. 'He may want something less formal, her family may be disappointed.' Keep talking and be ready to compromise. Even if you don't have a big, white wedding, you can add lots of personal touches to make the day your own.
Q: I'm dreading having my fiancé's family at the wedding because they're still extremely loyal to his first wife. What shall I do?
A: Bad feeling like this could ruin your dream day and you may have to rethink your wedding plans. 'It sounds like a nightmare,' says Claire Salisbury. 'My tendency would be to recommend that if they want a happy event, a couple in this situation have their own wedding, only inviting those who support them.'
