Help – my parents hate him!

So he finally popped the question and you're over the moon -- but your parents couldn’t be any further under it. They can't stand him and they think you're making the biggest mistake of your life. What are you going to do? Colette Harris investigates.

Emma, 28, and now married to Joe for two years says her parents told her she had to choose between them or him because they thought he just wasn't good enough for her. This happened after she let it slip that she thought he might have a crush on his boss at work.

'I so wished I had never said that to my mum. Although Joe wasn't even remotely interested in his boss, as it turns out, my parents are convinced he's not morally upstanding enough for me. I told them I wouldn’t choose as I loved them all, but it was up to them to choose whether or not they saw us both after the wedding. They chose not to and we haven't seen them for two years, although I do write to them a lot.'

Sarah, 33, decided to set up a dinner party for herself, her mum and her fiancé Martin, so that instead of throwing insults from afar, her mum had to meet him and get to know him as a person.

'It’s the first thing my mum and dad had agreed about since their divorce three years before,' says Sarah. 'I think they were using it to test my loyalty to them as parents to show I still loved them even though they'd split up. Poor Martin got stuck in the middle of this ridiculous campaign against him, set up by parents who had hardly met him. So I arranged the dinner and, fortunately, they got on fine although I accept that things are never going to be fantastic.'

Sort out the objections

So if you want to avoid family disharmony or a cold relationship between your partner and your folks, what can you do?

Psychotherapist and relationship expert Sue Quilliam, author of ‘Love Coach’ (Thorsons, £7.99) says, 'There's no doubt this is a big problem for a surprisingly large number of families, but there are steps you can take to minimise damage and encourage good relationships.'

Often, there are two types of difficulties which can bring objections from your parents. The first involves concrete reasons, such as his long-term unemployment, large debts, drinking problem, child from a previous relationship or continuing emotional entanglement with his ex.

'If your parents are generally emotionally happy about your partners, but this particular person has a problem, they need to see the two of you together tackling the problem and to know you're making progress.' says Susan. 'The worst thing you can do is say that there isn’t a problem. 'You need to acknowledge that there is a difficulty but you're dealing with it.'