Help – my parents hate him!

You think he’s Mr Right -- they don’t. Here’s how to cope with that classic engagement dilemma -- parent disapproval

For example, if your partner has a child from a previous relationship, try saying to your parents, 'I understand it’s tough, so I’m spending time with Charlotte, talking to friends who do have kids, because, as you say, I haven’t had any of my own.' Or if you have met up with his child’s mum, tell them that you are trying to build up a good relationship with her.

If his employment status is a problem in their eyes, you could let your parents know that you are making progress together by dropping into the conversation the fact that you and he are really excited because you sat down and typed out a new CV for him. Or explain that you have been looking out for relevant courses at night school.

If you have only been together a few weeks before getting engaged, talk to your parents about it. 'I know it might seem hasty, but we both feel it’s right. We’re going to live together before we go ahead and get married and don’t worry, I’m on the Pill, so I’m not going to go and get pregnant.'

In this situation, you can end up feeling that you’re giving progress reports to your parents in a way that undermines your trust with your partner. But Susan explains, 'It’s not that you’re reporting back, but that you are showing that, as a couple, you're making an effort to tackle your problems together. This is showing your parents that you are making your own family unit now and have to be allowed to do the problem solving without them, if that’s what you choose. Just slide it into conversation rather than reporting, or, if you think you can manage it, have a meeting with all the people involved where your partner can say, “I understand you're worried, this is what we're doing about it."'

Deal with their fears

If that doesn’t convince them, you could be dealing with the second type of problem that often comes up -- an emotional issue. This can appear in the form of your parents saying your partner isn’t good enough for you, that they don't trust him or they don't think he can make you happy. It’s more of a ‘feeling’ that they’re getting which makes them object. They may also use a concrete excuse, such as worrying about his lack of employment, as a smoke screen for more emotional reservations.

'This type of problem can be as much about your parents and their feelings about their changing role in your life as it is about you and your partner,' says Susan. 'It can even be that they’re scared of facing up to their own relationship when you have gone and they have to get back to being just a couple together.'

Don’t rule out the fact that maybe, just maybe, mother (or father) does know best and is pointing out a fatal flaw in your would-be partner for life. If anything she says makes you have any doubt at all, then maybe you have to do some thinking. But if you know that he’s the one for you, there are two main ways to tackle this sort of issue.

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