Speech material: He’s not squeaky clean

Wedding speech material for you to adapt, for when the groom may have a skeleton or two in the cupboard

By the father of the bride

'When I was first introduced to Jim I thought he was a fine, upstanding man. He treated me with respect, did the whole down-on-one-knee thing, bought me a fine bottle of vintage claret and told me how much he adored my daughter. What a gentleman... or so I thought! It turns out that he'd downloaded a "How to suck up to your future father-in-law" checklist from the Internet. I only know this because I came across it whilst searching for a "How to make your future son-in-law squirm!" list.'

'Much to Jeremy's embarrassment I've been talking to his mother. We've spent ages comparing notes on our respective offspring and now both sets of parents feel much better informed! Apparently squeaky-clean Jeremy wasn't always such a smooth-talking, sharp-suited, go-getter. In fact, I believe his first suit was bought for his first court appearance.'

'When Nick invited Claire's mother and I over to a dinner that he'd cooked, we thought she'd landed herself a New Man. What we didn't know was that he'd defrosted a pie Claire had made previously and just garnished it with a sprig of parsley.'

By the best man

'Ben has always been an entrepreneur. Except at school the teachers didn't really respect his commercial spirit. Whilst he considered his money-making enterprises to demonstrate creative thinking and immense initiative, his suspension certificate chose to describe it as "extortion".'

'Matt is a man with a past. He's been there, done that, worn the T-shirt. His philosophy has always been: try everything once, and if you enjoy it, try it again. He's flirted with the law (and a few WPCs when necessary); he's broken a few hearts and he's caused a few blushes. But at the end of the day he'd lay his life on the line for the people he loves. He's been a true friend to me for 20 years, and I know he'll be the most loyal, devoted husband to Mandy for the rest of their lives.'

'My friendship with Simon dates back to our first day at secondary school. I was immediately drawn to him because he looked like the cool one. I'm not sure if it was his bleached blonde hair or his skin tight trousers that made him stand out from the crowd, or his huge badge collection and his Masters of the Universe backpack. Man, that boy had style! Best of all, his attitude earned the reputation of school rebel. He refused to wear black socks. He did his homework in biro. And once he even cracked a test tube on purpose. He was wild!'

'As we all know, Chris is a highly successful businessman now. But that hasn't always been the case. In fact his early forays into employment were a disaster. He was fired from his paper round when his boss found out he'd used them to make a life-size papier mÔchÚ dinosaur for a school project. He got a verbal warning from the landlord of the Dog and Duck for downing a yard of ale every time a customer said to him "have one for yourself". And his milk round came to an abrupt halt when he got done for float rage.'

'Life hasn't always been a bed of roses for Charles and Kate. Although you might think butter wouldn't melt in his mouth, he's had to do a fair bit of grovelling to get to where he is today. On their first date Charles got so drunk that, at the end of the night, he gave ú20 to Kate and his phone number to the cab driver.'

By the chief bridesmaid

'Tanya always said that she liked a bit of rough, but nothing prepared me for the first time I met Joe. He'd just got back from work on the building site and was covered, head to toe, in muck. His hair was stuck on end, his face was covered in dust, his clothes were drenched in mud and his hands were blackened with grease. This was going to be difficult. How could I possibly pretend to her that this oil slick in front of me was an Adonis? But when he started talking, it all fitted into place. His charm, his humour, his compassion and his generous spirit shone through. And as you can all see today, he's not bad looking when he scrubs up either.'