Sample speech VII: – A day in the life of…

Here’s an illustration of how to pep up your best man’s speech by turning it into a witty day in the life of piece...

‘Without a shadow of a doubt, this is the most nerve-wracking thing I have ever done. But at the same time it is a great honour to have been picked by Ken [the groom] as his best man. When he phoned to let me know, I nearly choked with surprise and I had a huge lump in my throat. That’ll teach me to talk on the phone when I’m eating a kebab.

‘Anyway, I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say in this speech. Obviously, Karen [the bride] has known Ken for many years. She’s seen his career flourish, his hair fall out and his paunch widen.

‘However, I realised that it’s my duty to let Karen know what Ken was like BEFORE she met him. Obviously, since he met his beloved wife-to-be, Ken has been on his best behaviour. But I can assure that hasn’t always been the case.

‘Ken and I have been best friends since primary school, so I have been witness to some of Ken’s finer moments. I’ve also, of course, been witness to some of his less than fine moments. And, naturally, it’s those moments that I feel I should tell Karen about -- in front of just about everyone Ken cares about.

‘How best to catalogue such a huge number of embarrassing moments? Well, I thought I would put them together on a CV to support Ken’s application for the job of Karen’s husband. OK, so  he’s already landed the job -- but just bear with me...

‘Let’s start with his qualifications, shall we? An impressive ten O levels, three A levels and a second class honours degree in Sports Science from Lancaster. Ken also holds various gymnastics badges, seventeen merit badges (including needlework!) from Scouts, and a Winner’s Certificate -- from our Club 18-30 holiday to Santa Ponsa, Majorca -- in the Drink-As-Much-Sangria-As-You-Can-Before-Passing-Out contest, 1993.

‘Let us look now in more detail at Ken’s glittering academic career.

‘1981-1983: Busy Bee nursery school. [mimicking the groom’s voice] “I spent three years honing my excellent communication skills at this prestigious school, where my love for drama flourished. I appeared in several productions, playing Lead Toadstool, Second Sheep and Mr Frog, before a controversial starring role as Pontius Pilate in the school nativity.”

‘1983-1989: Clifton Manor primary school. “In a distinguished career at Clifton I became one of the most popular boys in the school. This was because, for several years, I conned my mum into giving me dinner money when, in fact, we were given lunch at the school. I used this money to build up a small stock of sweets, comics and pictures of Page 3 models which formed the basis of a highly successful black market operation run from behind the athletics equipment hut.

‘1989-1994: Stoneybrook secondary school. “As well as a successful record in both O and A levels at Stoneybrook, I was also the first student to dye my hair orange for mufti day and the only student to receive a suspension for drinking cider in the language labs. In the sporting arena, I excelled in the area of cross-country, holding the school record for nearly two years. Unfortunately, the title was taken away from me in a rather ignominious fashion. My games master realised that the time I had recorded was, in fact, close to the world record for 5000metres. I had, of course, hidden in a bush for the duration of the race, reappearing -- complete with muddy legs and flushed cheeks -- only a few minutes later to jog home. My appeal, lodged with the International Athletics Federation in 1992, is pending.”

‘1995-1999: Lancaster University. “While at college, I was an active member of the student body while at college. I joined the Real Ale society, the Wine society and the Soul, Funk & Reggae society, and was a regular attendee of all the social events organised by each. I also gained several honours during my time here. I am still the only Sports Science student ever to be reprimanded for poor attendance in lectures, having only managed four in six terms. I held the Yard of Ale record for three terms and am still, to my knowledge, the only student to have run up a four-figure overdraft with three of the five major high street banks.

’19 Mar, 2000 (the day I met Karen) -- present: “I am now enjoying the best time of my life, and continue to be the luckiest man alive since meeting the love of my life.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the groom and his wonderful, beautiful bride.’