Sample speech III: The Two Ronnies

Here’s a great way of delivering a funny and memorable Best Man’s speech, especially if you’re speaking with another person

[Top Tip: Don’t try and rehearse this too much and make sure that you read it from cards. Trying to learn it verbatim and perform without prompts seldom works as well.] 

Best man 1 [BM1]: Good evening. Before we get on with the formal parts of the speech, Tim [BM2] and I would just like to read out some headlines.

BM2:  [In a newsreader’s voice]  Good evening and here is the news... from Dave’s [the groom] past...

BM1:  19 February, 1975: A Peterborough couple gave birth today to their son David Algernon Smith, who weighed in at a rather skinny 6lbs 11oz. The couple, Peter and Lorraine, were said to be delighted with the newest edition to their family, although Mr Smith was overheard as saying: ‘I thought you said it was going to be a girl, mother.’

When asked about the baby’s diminutive size, Mrs Smith said: ‘I’m sure he’ll put on weight quickly.’ How right Mrs Smith was then and has been ever since...’

BM2:  26 May, 1989: A young Peterborough boy, David Smith, was thrown out of the scouts today, after an internal inquiry -- led by Bagheera and Akela -- found the young rascal guilty of stealing a bottle of wine from a local fête. Smith was unavailable for comment, having been sent to his room without any tea and a smack across the back of his legs.

The boy’s parents were said to be upset and dismayed, according to a close family source.

BM1:  28 Sep, 1993: Liverpool University welcomed a highly acclaimed schoolboy academic through its doors, today. David Smith, fresh from his triumphant two Cs and a D at A level, took his seat in the Geography Department. He is said to be eager to make the most of his opportunity and wants to be a model student in the tertiary education system.

‘This is a great chance for me to change the way geography is perceived around the world,’ said Smith on the steps of the Red Lion. ‘I’m sick of it being ridiculed as a dossers’ subject, full of rejects and wannabe town planners,’ enthused the uncharacteristically frank youngster, known as Smudge by his small circle of friends and fellow layabouts. ‘I aim to give my degree my best shot and will settle nothing less than a First.’

BM2:  7 July, 1994: David ‘Smudge’ Smith was un-cordially invited to ‘leave the university and never darken the geography department’s door again’ by leading town planning lecturer, ‘Pongo’ Watson.

Professor Watson cited several reasons for the dismissal of Smith, concluding that: ‘The main reason he has been asked to leave is because unlike most students -- who usually have poor attendance records -- Mr Smith has no attendance record at all.’

When given the news in bed, at three o’clock this afternoon, a tight-lipped Smith stated: ‘I’m off to the Union to get pissed.’

BM1:  9 Oct 1996: Dave ‘Hound Dog’ (formerly ‘Smudge’) Smith was spotted talking to a mystery blonde in Shakers nightclub this evening. Having downed several vodkas, three pints of cider and a quantity of Dubonnet, the normally reserved Smith is said to have tackled the stunner -- later identified as Kerry Watson, 26, from Plaistow -- as she danced with friends.

He later claimed in court that he wasn’t, in fact, trying to ‘tackle’ her but had lost his footing while crossing the dance floor, stumbled and reached out for the nearest thing available -- Ms Watson’s chest. After an exchange of verbal machine-gun fire, the two were seen leaving together.

BM2:  26 Dec, 1998: In a series of telephone calls today, David Smith -- good friend to us all, top bloke and a very lucky man -- told of how he had asked Kerry Watson to marry him and that she had said ‘yes’.

‘We’re going to be so happy together,’ Smith was heard to say. ‘And I wasn’t even drunk when I asked her.’ Ms Watson was unavailable for comment. Most unusual.

BM1:  And that was the news. So it’s goodnight from me...

BM2:  And goodnight from him.