Fabulous jokes for a wedding speech
(from the letter A - M)

Have your guests howling with laughter at your wedding speech, thanks to our jokes and one-liners for you to include!

Best Man

‘I’m told that one of the few acceptable reasons for turning the job of Best Man is when “you don’t know the groom that well and are not even really sure why you’ve been asked”. Well nothing could be further from the case with me and Eric... I mean, Bert... I mean Steve...’

‘They say that when it comes to the Best Man’s speech the guests are usually nice and warmed up by all the booze and the sentimental speeches that have gone before. I just hope it doesn’t get so warm that it brings the tumbleweed out...’

‘And, now let me hand you over to my Vest Man, I mean my Best Man, Eddie...’

Birthdays

‘Today, for those of you don’t know, it also happens to be the father of the bride’s luck. What rotten luck -- having to buy everyone the first round at the bar on top of everything else he’s spent today...’ 

‘As some of you may know, today is my birthday. At the risk of sounding corny, let me just say that my new wife/husband is the best present anyone could wish for...’

Bride’s father

[Speaking of groom] ‘It’s customary for the father of the bride to say on a day like today that he and his wife haven’t so much lost a daughter as gained a son. Well, in our case we haven’t so much lost a daughter as gained an obsessive Wolves fan with an unusually large collection of cowboy boots and an old Triumph Herald in pieces all over our back garden...’ 

Cars

‘And here -- ah, this one takes me back... [Displays picture of rubbish-filled skip eg on flipchart or slide projector] ...Here’s a picture of Garry’s first car.’

Childhood

‘When Jane was only 11, she took up the trombone. And once we heard her practising, we made sure she’d given it up by 11.30.’

(‘At 11 Jane took up the trombone. Once we heard her practising, we made sure she’d given it up by 11.30’)

Children

‘I’d like to say a big thank you to my one-year nephew Paul, without whose constant help and attention this wedding would have been prepared in half the time.’

Children (from previous relationships)

‘Blimey. I knew that Jeff and Deanne both already had family [shield your eyes as you scan the assembled guests, then say incredulously:] But surely: you can’t all be their children!!’

Chocolate

‘Chocoholic Mary is quite the philosopher. Ask her the secret of a happy and healthy life, and she’ll say: “A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.” Ask her for her solution to today’s rising stress levels, and she’ll say, “Have a break, have a Kit Kat.” And ask her about what attracted her to Barry and she’ll say: [Sing it, if you dare...] “EVERYONE’S A FRUIT AND NUT CASE!!!”’

Class

‘I don’t want to sound patronising about Barry’s background... but HE ACTUALLY USES HIS BIDET FOR WASHING HIS BACKSIDE IN!’

College

‘As students, Rob and I were paupers. We used to make a teabag last a week. We ate tomato ketchup sandwiches. We went to the public loo over the road because we couldn’t afford to buy loo roll. And once, we nicked a load of food from the kitchen of a party because we had nothing to eat the next day. Rob stood at the top of the stairs while I lobbed him down crisps and groceries. “Quick,” I whispered. “Put these sardines in your pocket.” “I can’t,” Rob whispered back dejectedly. “Oh come on -- this is no time to get moral,” I snapped. “It’s not that,” said Rob. “It’s just I’ve got half a dozen eggs in there already. And I’ve just sat on one.” 

Compatibility

‘Of course, Alan and Chloe have both had partners before, but neither has really found anyone totally compatible. Who else would be prepared to lend a hand when Alan cleans out his salamander tank? And who else would be prepared to cheer and sing as Chloe shows off her newly choreographed routine to Barry Manilow’s Copacabana?’ 

‘In the little-known Cockney horoscope, Darren was born in the Year of the Jellied Eel, while Siobhan was born in the Year of the Potted Shrimp... This is always a very happy combination because Eels are electric on the dancefloor and Siobhan was tickled pick when he brought her out of his shell. Prawn again, she was...’

Cooking

‘It’s not that Justin is a particular bad cook, but the cockroaches in the kitchen have just asked for a suggestion box...’

Cooking

‘Tim insists that all those pungent dishes he slaves over for hours in the kitchen are “100 per cent cruelty-free”. I don’t know about that: I reckon his mushroom risotto could do a bit of damage in the wrong hands...’

Culture

‘As you know, Terry is a bit of a class act. He thinks “erudite” is a glue, spells culture with a “K”, orders his steak tartare “well done”, sends his crème brulee back when it’s arrives burnt, and thinks the London Underground is a dangerous political movement. And when he was asked if he was going to wear his mourning suit today, he replied: [adopt gormless tone] “Why? Who’s died?”’

Dancing

‘On the stag night I came across two of our mates, Kev and Dan, with bleeding noses. “Have you two been fighting?” I asked anxiously. “Nah,” they said. We got these dancing next to Gary...’ 

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