Fabulous jokes for a wedding speech
(from the letter A - M)

Have your guests howling with laughter at your wedding speech, thanks to our jokes and one-liners for you to include!

Marriage

‘Marriage is a kind of friendship recognised by the police.’

In the words of Groucho Marx, ‘Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?’

‘A good marriage is like a holiday. You never want it to end.’

‘A good marriage is like a cup of coffee: warm and rich, and sometimes keeps you up all night.’

‘One of the great things about marriage is that when you fall out of love with him/her -- as will occasionally happen to even the most devoted of couples -- marriage keeps you going till you fall back in love again.’

‘The happy couple are the perfect match. She’s a geologist and he’s on the rocks!’

Morning dress

‘It’s been great -- if highly unusual - to see the Best Man and all the ushers dressed up in morning suits today. And if any of the bridesmaids are available and chocoholic, just think of the old advertising slogan, “P-p-p-p-pick up a penguin...”’  

Mothers-in-law

‘What can I tell you about Paula? So fond am I of my mother-in-law, in fact, that I barely consider here to be my mother-in-law at all...’

Moving in

‘When Bettina moved in with Serge, his horizons expanded. Suddenly he was ushered into a whole new world with strange language and bizarre implements. He was initiated into the mysteries of combination skin and cleansing milk, eyelash curlers and cuticle removers. He learnt that straightening irons have nothing to do with golf, that ‘Exfoliator’ is not a Schwarznegger film, and that self-depilation doesn’t make you blind or put hair on your hands.’

Mum

‘Before he had the chance in a million of bumping into Louise at a conference, Dom used to complain that he’d spent his whole life looking for his soulmate but never found anyone who came close. “Well you’re never going to find her down at Blockbuster Video or KFC,” his Mum said.’

‘Possibly the only person more delighted to see me get married today is my Mum. When I was single and I went to a friend’s wedding, she’d ask me all about it afterwards. Then, slowly clearing away the tea things, she’d say something like, “She must have been so proud, the groom’s mother.” The chin starts to wobble slightly. And then: “I only hope I’m still around when -- if -- you ever get married.” Thanks for not putting on the pressure, Mum...’

Mums

‘I’d like to thank my Mum for putting up with me over the last few weeks and months, and for all her help in organising every last little detail of this very special day. And I don’t care what she says: she really does have eight pairs of hands!’ 

‘Last night John was staying at his Mum’s and woke up with a bit of a pain in a delicate place. “Let’s have a look,” says John’s Mum. “Come on, I’ve seen worse -- I’ve seen it all before.” “Are you sure?” says John. “Course I have,” she says. “I’ve still got the pictures from when you were a New Romantic.”’ 

Music

‘Now at the risk of shocking some of you, I feel obliged to report that Cameron has a criminal record. He’s got several in fact: The Oldest Swinger in Town, Black Lace’s Greatest Hits, the original score of Yentl...’

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