Your N-Z of jokes and one-liners

If you’re desperate for some funny material in your wedding speech, you’ll find the perfect gag here

Names

‘I understand that Sophie has agreed to take Andy’s unpronounceable surname. Let us hope she never tells anyone where she’s hidden it.’

Neighbours

‘A man hears some noise coming from next door’s garden. He looks over the fence and sees his neighbour digging furiously. “What are you up to?” he asks. “I’m digging a hole for my canary,” says the neighbour. “That’s a big hole for a canary, isn’t it?” says the man. “Not when it’s in your cat,” the neighbour replies

Nerves

‘Not for the first time today do I rise trembling from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand...’

‘I’d like to say a big thank you to Alka Seltzer and Immodium, my speech co-sponsors...’

‘Does anyone mind if I do this sitting down? Only my legs appear to have turned to jelly.’

‘Normally I’m a terrible public speaker, but I’m so proud to see my son/daughter/best friend/brother get married today [etc]that I can barely summon a single nerve...’

‘I slept like a babe last night. I woke up crying every half an hour, screaming for my mum.’ [say at start of speech] ‘And so, ladies and gentleman, will you please charge your glasses, and rise and join me... in the pub next door. This speech lark is far too pressurised: I’m going for a pint...’

New man

‘I’ll never forget the day Anne told me I was going to marry her...’

‘John claims to be a real new man. He says that once he’s married, he’s going to take on 50 per cent of all the household chores and shopping, and when the time comes, 50 per cent of all the childcare duties too. The only things that could possibly get in the way of these noble sentiments are: his allergy to Domestos, the fact that he can’t tie his own shoe laces -- let alone wipe someone else’s bum -- oh, and his six-year stretch for perjury.’ [At this point, you could have a heckler planted who shouts: ‘He told me it was only four years!’]

Newly weds

‘I’m sure I speak for everyone when I say how much we all wish Penny and Tim a long and happy future together. Although I’m not sure it’s a good sign that she keeps going round introducing Tim as “my first husband”.’

Nocturnal habits

‘The other night, unable to sleep because of the noise coming from a certain person not a million miles from here, I sat up late watching an old black-and-white film of The Ten Commandments. “Dave’s snoring!” I said to myself. “It’s enough to wake the dead.” “Tell me about it,” says Moses, all of a sudden. “What do you think I’m doing up at this hour?’

‘Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

To stop the snoring before it starts.’

‘In today’s politically correct climate, I wouldn’t like to say that Stan has a snoring problem. He is perhaps, a trifle nocturnally challenged. Thankfully he doesn’t live in Massachusetts, where snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. Or in Canada, where it’s ground for divorce... Fortunately Myra has already found a solution to this little problem. It involves a piece of string, a golf ball, and a strong desire to keep hold of one’s privates...’

Office life

‘Jeanette was immediately attracted to Brian when they met at work because of his wild, devil-may-care attitude. Indeed, Brian was such a maverick that he could sometimes be seen doing photocopies with the lid up. In full view of the boss! And occasionally, he would even turn up for work wearing socks of a light gray or tan shade. Well, on Dress Down Fridays. Only sometimes.’

Outfits

‘Geena has had a strong influence on Terry’s wardrobe. Gone are the Mr Men socks, the Dangermouse ties, the Team Ferrari sleeveless bodices and, for Christmas, his unforgettable Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer knitwear. Terry’s loss is the world’s gain...’

‘As you may or may not know, Samantha is obsessed with the colour purple. She’s got purple wellies, a purple car, purple kitchen roll and purple bedroom walls. You won’t believe the fight we had to put up to get her into a white dress today...’