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If you’re desperate for some funny material in your wedding speech, you’ll find the perfect gag here
Whirlwind romance
‘It seems incredible that the person that I walked up the aisle with today is someone that I didn’t even know six months ago. In fact I had a terrible nightmare that I’d forget Tina’s name. But then the Best Man had a brainwave: If in doubt just call her “Mrs ---“ [Say your surname. Pause.]. ‘Sorry not Tina, Julie. I mean Tracey. I mean...’
Wisdom
‘As a father and grandfather who has been happily married for more than three decades, I would like to offer the bride and groom the advice of an old man: “Never go to sleep on a quarrel, never try and whistle with jelly in your mouth, and never eat yellow snow.’
‘As a wise person once said: “Take care that your final word in one argument in the not the first word of the next one.”’
Wives
‘If girls are inclined to marry men just like their father, is that why so many mothers cry at weddings?’
X-factor
‘There was definite chemistry between Mary and Greg from the first day they met. He plied her with dihydrochloride benzylene and she made a beeline for his Leibig condenser...’
‘What is the secret chemistry that makes for a wonderful wedding and a loving marriage? Clearly it’s not a formula you can bottle, or someone would have made a fortune from it years ago. But I look at my parents/parents-in-law/grandparents [amend as appropriate], who are still clearly in love with each to this day, and I say to myself: “I’ll have a pint of whatever they’re on.”’
Yum, yum
‘What a fantastic spread we’ve enjoyed today. On behalf of everyone I’d like to say to the cooks/chef/caterers: “Undo me belt, you’re nearer”’.
You’re doing it wrong...
...if the little figures on your wedding cake are wearing overalls
...if the wedding ceremony has been scheduled to take place during the halftime of a football match
...if the bridal bouquet has been recycled from a nearby funeral or flowerbed
...if the morning suits have big football numbers on the back and team logos
...if a big slobbery labrador has been given the role of best man
...if, instead of a sit-down spread or buffet, you hand round buckets of chicken pieces
Zzzzz...
[perhaps pointing at someone who looks like they might be a likely candidate for dozing off] ‘Of course, in certain cultures it’s considered a compliment when a respected guest dozes off during your speech. [pulls out enormous bullhorn, gong, bell or similar] ‘But I don’t think that we’ll have that problem here, do you?’
