Cardinal sins

Make sure guests remember your wedding speech for the right reasons - here’s what NOT to do…

Don’t mention the War…

Certain subjects are best avoided. Race and religious issues. Ex-partners. Relatives who refused to attend. The last-minute threat to call off the wedding, now resolved.

Keep in mind that you have a mixed audience. Not everyone will know that Mr Trimble was your woodwork teacher. If an anecdote can’t be easily explained – leave it out.

Swear words are a definite no-go area. The last thing you need is Granny fainting at a four-letter word. It’s not worth the f***ing risk.

Bear in mind that causing offence in your wedding speech is not just for Christmas, so to speak. It lasts forever, preserved on video, in the minds of the guests and the memories of the couple!

Finally, whatever your feelings about the suitability of the match, this is not the time to let hostility show. If you feel you can’t make a positive speech, delegate to someone who can.

Don’t ramble

Being asked to speak is a compliment, so make the time to plan properly. You need to know where you are going with your speech, even if the majority of guests are too plastered to follow you! You need a definite structure: a beginning, middle and end.

Long, rambling speeches are likely to send the older guests off to the land of nod, so keep it short. Likewise, long, drawn-out jokes may fall flat if they take too long to tell - spare a thought for the guests’ memory lapses.

Don’t mumble

The cardinal sins here are swallowing your words, speaking too fast or losing your place (in which case you may as well admit it and get a laugh).

This is one of the few times in life when you can be guaranteed a captive and sympathetic audience. They want to make life easy for you, so help them. Check early on that everyone can hear you. Speak slowly and clearly. Signal jokes by pausing to allow everyone to laugh!

Don’t get wasted

Tempting as it is to drink heavily to steady your nerves before your speech, don’t!

Adrenaline can increase the effect of alcohol and the evidence on videos and photos will haunt you forever. Chances are you’ll also slur your words, overstep the mark and include all those lewd jokes you so carefully removed on your 15th re-write. There’ll be plenty of congratulatory drinks bought for you after your triumph!

It’s their day

However accustomed you are to being a best man, bear in mind that this is the bride and groom’s day, not yours.

So spare a thought for the couple’s blushes – don’t mention anything you wouldn’t want said about you. Some gentle ribbing about the groom’s lack of footballing prowess might be funny. Anecdotes about his lecherous, two-timing ex-girlfriend is almost certainly going too far. If in doubt, leave it out.

Pre-speech checklist

Here’s a quick checklist of those wedding speech no-nos:

• NO gags about race, religion or the groom’s ex-wife’
• NO swearing.
• NO private jokes only a few guests will get.
• NO ad-libbed off-the-cuff speeches, unless you are very, very, good at it!
• NO mumbling.
• NO gabbling.
• NO forgetting the list of people you had to thank or the telegrams you were supposed to read.
• NO drinking to excess before you speak.
• NO upsetting the bride and groom. (NB this also goes for brides and grooms!)