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Ask Kate: Unhelpful chief bridesmaid

October 8, 2012

Kate Thompson has been offering heart-felt advice and sparklingly different wedding inspiration for ten years. She is married with two children, and often features in the national press. With her warm and caring nature and off-beat sense of humour, she'll answer every question with knowledgable insight and understanding to help and inspire or simply restore your peace of mind.


I got engaged just before I was bridesmaid for my best friend, much to my surprise and huge excitement.   My wedding plans and ideas were put to one side until after her special day, to help support and take care of anything she needed. However a few weeks after her wedding day and a few months before my own wedding day is due I thought it’s time I got to work on getting my ideas into action.

Naturally as she is now to be my chief bridesmaid I want to include her in my planning for a wedding dress, bridesmaid fittings, venue and favours.  The problem is she seems to be either unimpressed with my ideas or comparing them with her own wedding. She is interrupting me when I speak with dressmakers, the venue manager or suppliers to talk about her wedding or ideas.  Suppliers have called me back to re-arrange appointments on my own so that it can be discussed again.

I’ve changed many original ideas I had because, as beautiful as her wedding was, I don’t want mine to be compared and thought of as ‘copied’

I know I  may sound petty and selfish and not appreciative of her help, but this is really starting to get me down so that I’m trying to avoid inviting her to meetings regarding the wedding.

I really don’t want to upset her by saying anything but she had my full support. I just feel that now it’s my time, and although her input is important,  it feels like she’s putting all her effort into telling everyone about her wedding and what she did rather than advise what needs to be done for mine.

Your advice would be much appreciated even if its to tell me to pull my head in and stop being over sensitive


Oh I do feel for you on this one and I don’t think you’re being overly sensitive, I think it sounds more like she is being just a little insensitive, perhaps without even realising it. She’s had her wedding and knows what works and what doesn’t, she will have learned a lot during her planning and is proud of what she achieved. She may be trying to help you in her own way but as she’s still so full of her own wedding, it’s not helping at all! You need to tell her, very diplomatically, that you’d love to have her support rather than her opinions. It would be a shame for you to not include her at all so you need to either be thicker skinned or ask her to help you the way you want her help. She might even have felt a little as though you stole her thunder by getting engaged just before her wedding  (not that you planned it that way!) so perhaps, if she is being at all petty,  this is her payback. If she is a good friend though I think it’s more likely that she is just still very excited by her wedding and wanting to help with yours. Communicate with each other and tell her that you loved her wedding but don’t want to copy it and would just prefer her support with your own ideas. I hope that helps. x

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