September 12, 2012. Written by EmmaConfetti
Picture the scene: your Significant Other has just dropped to one knee, the ring is produced (obviously with a diamond so huge and sparkly that it causes glare), birds suddenly appear, flowers bloom spontaneously, and although there’s not a raindrop in sight, the sky is awash with a spectrum of rainbow. Sound like a Carpenters’ song? Well, it’s not - it’s your Significant Other suggesting becoming your, well, Even More Significant Other!
Exciting hey? Well, of course! But imagine someone you know has also just announced that they too, are to be betrothed – the announcement occurring almost simultaneously as your own. Stealing your thunder? Not on your watch! But now imagine that the ‘someone you know’ is more than simply someone you know. They’re your arch enemy. Oh, and imagine you’re not just a mere mortal (albeit a muchly desired one who someone has decided they want to be with forever), you are a celebrity. So, not just the eyes of those obligatory aunts and uncles (who, to be fair, you’re not even sure belong to you or your other half) will be watching, but the eyes of The World will be watching you!
Ladies and gentlemen! Step right up! It’s Celebrity Bride Wars! In the red corner we have Ms. Jennifer Aniston and in the blue corner we have Ms. Angelina Jolie (though maybe Jolie should be in the red corner, her being the supposed scarlet woman and all…) Everyone knows the story - Jennifer Aniston was married to Brad Pitt, arguably the world’s most desirable man – yes, bagged by the second most kooky cast member of Friends, a woman who despite her attempts to change our minds (The Break-Up, anyone?) was actually quite liked by the general female population (come on, admit it, if you’re over 35 you must have had a ‘Rachel cut’ at some point). They married on a cliff top, her reciting handwritten vows in which she promised to always make his favourite banana milkshake. Everything was great. Five years into the marriage, Mr. Pitt works on Mr & Mrs Smith with Angelina Jolie, a twice-married twice-divorced vixen who had previously quite openly, not to mention candidly, admitted to a nice quiet romantic evening involving ‘knife play’ in the bedroom… and we’re not talking for slicing up strawberries to go with that whipped cream! Brad and Angelina were pictured holding hands on set; Brangelina was spawned as the allegedly best-looking-man-ever hooked up with the allegedly best-looking-woman-ever. A marriage was culled and Ange vowed to never go for Brad’s jugular, and knowing her love of knives we can assume that she was talking in the literal sense with that one.
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Fast forward to our contemporary times - Brangelina’s family rapidly grows, with the majority of red-tops and gossip magazines focusing relentlessly on anything from the trivialities of their young daughter Shiloh preferring to dress as a boy, to the more graphic details of their Hugh-Hefner-style secret love grotto. Aniston, meanwhile has had to defend herself against a backlash of her single status (the less said about lothario John Mayer, the better) with headlines more often than not screaming out the likes of “Jen! Will she ever find Mr. Right?” Yet now, the table seems to be finally turning as she seems to be finding a new lease on life with fiancé Justin Theroux. Finally, she is no longer being portrayed by gossip blogs as the pathetic single woman stabbing voodoo dolls of Jolie and hugging a homemade effigy of Pitt. No, rather than weeping at the rumours of an official Brangelina union supposedly scheduled to coincide with the wedding anniversary of Pitt’s parents, Aniston and Theroux (Aniroux?) were busy flashing their pearly whites and announcing their own planned nuptials. In your face, Jolie!
So as for who’ll-trump-who in the bride stakes, let’s just wait and see, but with Pitt apparently being assisted by his kids in the planning stages whilst Jolie takes a back seat and leaves him to it, it’ll be interesting to see whether she manages to maintain that stance as time progresses. Ladies, the announcements have been made - bring on Round Two!
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