Fabulous Jokes For A Wedding Speech (From The Letter A – M)

June 6, 2006. Written by

Let’s face it, nobody is that keen to stand up and make a speech in front of lots of people, let alone when they know the pressure is on to also make the crowd laugh!

Image from Lucy & Adam’s Real Wedding

Don’t be worrying though! If you are the groom, best man, father of the bride or another unwitting member of the wedding party that has been asked to give a speech, start with our guide to making a wedding speech then just cast your eye over this selection of jokes, pick one or two you like, read our guide to working jokes into your speech and we guarantee you’ll have your guests laughing out loud!

In fact, there’s so many jokes you can choose from that we’ve split them into two sections. Here you’ll find every joke that starts with the letter A, right through to the letter M and if you take a look at our guide to more fabulous jokes for a wedding speech, you’ll find every joke that starts with the letter N through to the letter Z.

Aaaaagh

‘Tall, handsome, sensitive, intelligent, funny, brave, musical and athletic. I am all these things — so why on earth did Paula have to go and marry Mark?’

Absent friends

‘I’d just like to read a text from Terry, the landlord at The Grapes, where Bob and Carol like to go for a drink on the occasional night with a “y” in it:

“Congratulations to you both. Sorry I can’t be there today but work’s work, and there’s a big crowd in for the football. Everyone sends their love, and the wife asks if you could send us a picture of the beaming bride and groom, mounted.” [you pause, then look up] Surely just a peck on the cheek would do?’

‘Sadly, Micha/Michael cannot be with us today. But if he/she were here, I know exactly what they’d say: “Great suit/dress, Bob/Roberta, but £300 for some fancy paper serviettes? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?”’

‘It’s a great shame Colin couldn’t be with us tonight, though I know a couple of people – Jack and Jim – who’re quite glad he’s not, as he always really lays into one of them. Mr Jack Daniels and Mr Jim Beam, that is.’

[M other of bride standing in for deceased father of bride] ‘If my husband was here today, he’d say, “Typical! You never could resist bloody sticking your oar in, could you?” And of course he’d be right. But then again, if I can’t say my piece today of all days, when can I? Juliet is truly her father’s daughter and I know that she’s missing him today as much as I am. Weddings are a time of happiness, not sadness, but we both agreed that we could let this occasion pass without Dad getting a mention. And now I hear him whispering in my ear: “Get on with it woman!”’

Accidents

‘Well, it’s certainly been an eventful day already, and full marks to all the organisers for keeping us on our toes. The flat battery in the bride’s limo was an original start — or non-start – and the “£5 OFF” stickers clearly visible on the groom’s heels made for a real talking point. The vicar’s uncontrollable hayfever was a truly inspired touch, topped off by the father of the groom taking two-and-a-half hours to drive the three miles from the ceremony to the reception. All in all, it’s been a day that no one will forget in a hurry, and it’s these funny little moments that we will all remember with a smile when we look back on this special day. At least that’s what I keep telling the bride and groom. Now [feeling frantically in all pockets]: where’s my speech?’

Age gap

‘People often ask us if the age gap between me and Janine has a big impact on our relationship. And I always say [shouting, cupping ear with hand]: WHAT’S THAT? CAN YOU SPEAK UP, DEAR? YES, LOVELY WEATHER WE’VE BEEN HAVING…’

‘When Tom first asked Emma out, he asked her if she liked Spandau Ballet. She said she preferred the opera…’

‘Kate took a keen professional interest in Steve. She’s an archaeologist.’

Army

‘James did once think of joining the army. But let’s face it, the only army he’d join would have a white cross on a white background for its flag…’

Babies

‘Do Fred and Jo want babies? Well, let’s just say I know what religion the Pope is and we all know what bears do in the woods…’

Baby memories

‘Karen was always a very generous soul, right back to when she was a small child and would gladly share the contents of her potty with whoever was passing. We all got used to it after a while, though I’m not sure the postman ever did…’

Bad habits

‘In a world without women, you’d be served smaller portions in restaurants. That’s because you wouldn’t have to fend off the dive-bomb raids from the vulture by your side who’s just told the waiter she’s not hungry but who, now she’s set her beady eyes on your grub, is suddenly absolutely ravenous. And yes, I’m talking about you, Nicky…’

‘[In spoof policeman’s voice, perhaps wearing copper’s helmet and consulting notebook] Now then, now then, has Steve got a record of bad habits? you ask. Indeed he has, I’m afraid, and it’s a most criminal one. He’s done time for hoarding old bus tickets and nibbling his toenails, when it comes to loo seats he’s a persistent offender, and he’s also asked for 27 cases of mouldy sock abuse to be taken into consideration…’

Bathroom habits

‘I won’t say that Lyn likes to spend a long time getting ready in the bathroom, but usually by the time I’ve waited for her to come out, I need to shave again.’

‘Though he is generally very good at technical stuff, Graeme has little understanding of the science behind dandruff or the hidden causes of the split end. This is a man who scrubs his scalp every night with Ajax and Brillo Pad.’

‘I’m told that Jeremy always likes to listen to a Wagner opera or two on the loo. “Why’s that?” I asked. “Because you’re guaranteed several movements,” he replied.’

Bedroom

‘And here is a picture of Tom’s room as a child…’ [Displays picture of enormous, seagull-riddled rubbish tip eg on flipchart or slide projector]

‘When I went round to Eve’s place for the first time, and saw her room, an odd phrase popped into my mind. It was the words: “war-torn Beirut”.’

Beginnings

[Adopt mock-solemn expression, then say as you make the sign of the cross] ‘In the name of the father and the son and the…’ [pause, look confused] ‘Oh no. Sorry. We’ve done that bit.’

[adopting northern accent of old style comic] ‘Now here’s another one you won’t get: why does a cucumber make a better lover than the mother-in-law? [pause] ‘Oh sorry. Wrong gig.’

‘Brevity, as I explain on page 72 of my speech, is indeed the soul of wit.’

[Rip off jacket to reveal toy grenades strapped to shirt, then say with a manic grin:] ‘If this speech dies, YOU’RE ALL COMING WITH ME!!…’

‘I’ve been told the essence of a good speech is to stand up and be seen, speak up and be heard, and sit down and shut up.’ [Sit down.]

[Said by speaker with bald hair or receding hairline] ‘I’ve been really worried about this speech. So worried, in fact, that I‘ve been tearing my hair out.’

Best Man

‘I’m told that one of the few acceptable reasons for turning the job of Best Man is when “you don’t know the groom that well and are not even really sure why you’ve been asked”. Well nothing could be further from the case with me and Eric… I mean, Bert… I mean Steve…’

‘They say that when it comes to the Best Man’s speech the guests are usually nice and warmed up by all the booze and the sentimental speeches that have gone before. I just hope it doesn’t get so warm that it brings the tumbleweed out…’

‘And, now let me hand you over to my Vest Man, I mean my Best Man, Eddie…’

Birthdays

‘Today, for those of you don’t know, it also happens to be the father of the bride’s luck. What rotten luck — having to buy everyone the first round at the bar on top of everything else he’s spent today…’

‘As some of you may know, today is my birthday. At the risk of sounding corny, let me just say that my new wife/husband is the best present anyone could wish for…’

Bride’s father

[Speaking of groom] ‘It’s customary for the father of the bride to say on a day like today that he and his wife haven’t so much lost a daughter as gained a son. Well, in our case we haven’t so much lost a daughter as gained an obsessive Wolves fan with an unusually large collection of cowboy boots and an old Triumph Herald in pieces all over our back garden…’

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