Giving your speech a meaty middle

Written by    Last updated: June 6, 2006

Wedding speech material for you to adapt, for when you need juicy fillings to pep up your speech sandwich

Aaaah…

Something sentimental, without being too gushy, can be a nice touch…

‘To have joy one must share it. Happiness was born a twin.’ (Lord Byron)

‘Absence diminishes little passions and increases great ones, just as the wind blows out a candle and fans a fire.’ (La Rochefoucauld)

‘Do not be afraid to love these days. Take them gently and with a consideration for eternity, but take them as your own. Have patience with your dreams and the expectations that you have, but do not defer all hope to the future for there are only so many tomorrows.’ (Brian Baron)

‘Keep your minds set on the future, your memories planted in the past, and always your hearts where they are right at this moment.’ (Anon)

‘Hold onto yesterday, but not too tightly; let loose just enough to reach tomorrow.’ (Anon)

Religious references

‘Thankfully our hosts, unlike those at the wedding feast at Canaan, haven’t insisted on saving the best wine till last! Though looking at one or two of you, I’m not sure you’d notice the difference…’

‘In the words of St Paul: “Forgive each other as soon as a quarrel begins.” Which is God’s way of saying: never to go to sleep on an argument…’

‘As the Bible says: “Who so findeth a wife, findeth a good thing.” Now when I look at Jane, I can’t help thinking: What a complete understatement!’

‘When God created man and woman in his own image, we’re told “he blessed them and said: ‘Be fruitful and increase…’” Now whatever did He mean by that?’

‘St Paul advises us that “a husband must love his wife as he loves himself”. Now if Jerry can pull THAT off, then Penny’ll be a really lucky gal…’

Jokes

‘Sam and Sally are very different wines: Sam gets better with age, whereas Sally just gets drunk.’

‘Bob used to do 40 push‐ups every morning to make sure he could keep up with Kirsty. Now he needs 40 winks to keep up with her.’

‘Paula is busy making their new home comfortable, although Mark told me he’s quite happy with his chair in the King’s Head.’

‘There are three kinds of wedding ring: the engagement ring, the wedding ring and the suffer‐ring!!’

‘How many bridesmaids does it take to change a light bulb? Five, one to yank it out of the socket and chuck it, and four to squabble over who’s going to catch it.’

Observations

‘Some say that star‐sign compatibility is the secret of a happy marriage. But I don’t really believe in all that stuff ‐ which is unusual for a Scorpio…’

‘Some (single) people think that marriage will limit them or hold them back. But look at James and Katie today, and you see two people whose lives have expanded and flourished in every way since they got together…’

‘My Gran, who’s been married 50 years, says the secret of a successful is “give and take”. I said: ‘You mean 50:50?’ She said: “NO! You’ve both got to give 110 per cent!’

‘A happy marriage is a wonderful illustration of that timeless truth: it’s better to give than to receive.’

Quips

‘Confucius, I believe, said something very significant about the meaning of marriage. But it was in Chinese so I’m afraid I didn’t understand it.’

‘When Rob told me he wanted to get married, I gasped, “Is Jane pregnant?” ‘No, no,’ said Rob. ‘Blimey,’ I said. ‘That IS posh.’

‘Thanks for giving me away Dad,’ Sally said to me this morning. ‘Think nothing of it, I replied. ‘I’ve been trying to do it for years!’

(Bride or groom who has been married at least twice:) ‘Well, here we are again…’

‘Given that Jemima and I have been living together for eight years, I thought that for once we deserved to walk up an aisle that’s not located in Sainsbury’s.’

Asides

These are useful little remarks to allow you to comment on something very topical or specific to the big day:

‘Before I continue, has anyone ever been to a wedding this posh before? Even the cockroaches have got place names….’

‘Today was already shaping up to be a wonderful occasion ‐ but look outside and you’ll agree that, with gorgeous sunshine in mid‐November, we’ve been truly blessed.’

(Note handed to speaker by usher:) ‘And before we go any further, some important news just in: Rochdale 4, Hartlepool 2.’

‘By the way please don’t worry if you hear any unusual noises during the speeches: it’s only Jim’s wallet groaning in agony…’

‘I must say I’m surprising by today’s downpour. Sarah’s parents have been such terrific wedding organisers I assumed they’d be able to control the weather too!’

On this occasion…

‘It’s amazing, really, that Rob ever got as far as this wedding reception. He’s a terrible driver and he’s never got change for the bus.’

‘This occasion is rather like a local derby: two raucous tribes, soused to the gills, gathered together to witness a cracking match…’

‘Having had the pleasure of getting to know both families here today, I can see that this occasion is going to be a great opportunity for two wonderful sets of people to meet and mingle.’

‘A wedding is a wonderful opportunity for people to make new friends and form relationships. So as chief bridesmaid can I just say: “Bagsy first dance with the best man!”‘

‘This occasion reminds me of my own wedding, all those years ago. And what a close‐run thing that was!’

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