Whether you’re after a line about the stag‐do, the trauma of preparing your speech, or to thank everyone ‐‐ look no further.
Lines about the stag‐do…
‘On the subject of the stag do, I’d like to make one comment. Whatever rumours are flying about, Dan did not misbehave. He had a couple of beers with the lads, then went to bed while the single lads went clubbing until seven in the morning. [turning to the groom] Sorry, mate but they’re NEVER going to buy that load of old rubbish.’
‘I’d like to take a moment to thank the ushers for their support in organising the seating in the church, collecting the buttonholes and helping me cut Dan free from being handcuffed to a lamppost on his stag‐do. I could have sworn I’d brought the keys with me. But thanks for your help anyway, lads.’
‘First of all, I’d like to say what an absolutely fantastic spread that was. A wonderfully generous meal, and so much of it. In fact, I think I might have overeaten. Tony, could you undo my belt please? You’re nearer…’
Lines about preparing the speech…
‘Being Best man has made me think long and hard about the commitment of marriage. When I asked my father for his opinion of marriage, he said it was like a playing a long game of chess. ‘It’s easy to learn the rules?’ I enquired. ‘But it takes a lifetime to learn how to play the game successfully’ ‘Not really,’ he said. ‘It’s more a case of your Mum shouting ‘check, mate’ every time she sees something she wants…”
‘There is an old adage which goes: ‘Fail to prepare, prepare to fail’. So, with that in mind, I’ve been fastidious in preparing my speech. It has been meticulously researched, eking out anecdotes from all the various parts of both families about the happy couple. It was neatly typed up and put into my jacket pocket ready for today. Sadly, there is a slightly less well‐known, but equally useful adage which goes: ‘Don’t leave the jacket with your speech in on the back of a chair in Heston services on the way up to Tom and Barbara’s wedding…”
‘When I was preparing for making this speech today, I thought I should ask a few of my friends who’ve been best man before for some advice. A friend of ours, Toby, was very forthcoming and said that I should just enjoy it. But he did say that it was the most frightening thing he’d ever experienced in his life, or that he was ever likely to. Bearing in mind he was talking to me from his tank in Basra at the time, I wasn’t overly relaxed about what he had said.’
‘Once I accepted the role of best man, I started thinking about married life. Being a bachelor, of course, I can only imagine what it must be like. Curious, I asked my dad for an insight into what makes a good marriage. After thinking long and hard, he turned to me and said: ‘Marriage is like playing a team sport. If everyone doesn’t put maximum effort in, then the team will struggle.’ I was touched and I wanted to talk more. But Dad had the ironing to do before vacuuming upstairs, making dinner and picking Mum up from the golf club.’
Lines to say thank you…
‘Now it’s my duty to thank the bridesmaids for all of their hard work today. I know that Sam and Kerry also organised the hen party. By all accounts you had a great time in Blackpool, especially when a ‘fireman’ called Nick mysteriously appeared in the pub. Something about a magic hose, apparently. Is that right, girls? Sam, you’ve turned as red as a fire engine.’
‘I think you’ll agree with me when I say that the reception so far has been absolutely tremendous. It’s been a triumph of organisation, with absolutely no detail overlooked. Mary, the mother of the bride, told me just before I sat down at the top table that she’d even hired a stand‐in best man, just in case my speech gets a bit blue and I accidentally stabbed myself in the thigh with her fork…’
‘I think a big thank you has to go to Kate, the mother of the bride, for all her intricate planning and attention to detail for the reception. Although I must pull you up on one point Kate. Someone seems to have written under my name on my place setting. The message reads: ‘Muck this up, embarrass my family, or tell dirty jokes and you’ll never be able to ride a bicycle again. K, I can’t imagine how that happened.’
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