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General Jokes And One-Liners (From The Letter N – T)

Written by    Last updated: July 6, 2011

The best wedding speeches are the ones that made people laugh and cry. Here are some great jokes and one-liners for wedding speeches to get the guests giggling!

Groom Giving Speech At Wedding

Image from Rachael & Andrew’s Real Wedding


‘A man hears some noise coming from next door’s garden. He looks over the fence and sees his neighbour digging furiously. “What are you up to?” he asks. “I’m digging a hole for my canary,” says the neighbour. “That’s a big hole for a canary, isn’t it?” says the man. “Not when it’s in your cat,” the neighbour replies


‘Not for the first time today do I rise trembling from a warm seat with a piece of paper in my hand…’

‘I’d like to say a big thank you to Alka Seltzer and Immodium, my speech co-sponsors…’

‘Does anyone mind if I do this sitting down? Only my legs appear to have turned to jelly.’

‘Normally I’m a terrible public speaker, but I’m so proud to see my son/daughter/best friend/brother etc. get married today that I can barely summon a single nerve…’

‘I slept like a baby last night. I woke up crying every half an hour, screaming for my mum.’

[say at start of speech] ‘And so, ladies and gentlemen, will you please charge your glasses, and rise and join me… in the pub next door. This speech lark is far too much pressure, I’m going for a pint…’

Nocturnal habits

‘The other night, unable to sleep because of the noise coming from a certain person not a million miles from here, I sat up late watching an old black-and-white film of The Ten Commandments. “Dave’s snoring!” I said to myself. “It’s enough to wake the dead.” “Tell me about it,” says Moses, all of a sudden. “What do you think I’m doing up at this hour?’

‘Why do black widow spiders kill their males after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.’

‘In today’s politically correct climate, I wouldn’t like to say that Stan has a snoring problem. He is perhaps, a trifle nocturnally challenged. Thankfully he doesn’t live in Massachusetts, where snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked. Or in Canada, where it’s grounds for divorce… Fortunately Myra has already found a solution to this little problem. It involves a piece of string, a golf ball, and a strong desire to keep hold of one’s privates…’

Office life

‘Jeanette was immediately attracted to Brian when they met at work because of his wild, devil-may-care attitude. Indeed, Brian was such a maverick that he could sometimes be seen doing photocopies with the lid up. In full view of the boss! And occasionally, he would even turn up for work wearing socks of a light gray or tan shade. Well, on Dress Down Fridays. Only sometimes.’


‘Gina has had a strong influence on Terry’s wardrobe. Gone are the Mr Men socks, the Danger Mouse ties, the Team Ferrari sleeveless bodices and, for Christmas, his unforgettable Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer knitwear. Terry’s loss is the world’s gain…’

‘As you may or may not know, Samantha is obsessed with the colour purple. She’s got purple wellies, a purple car, purple kitchen roll and purple bedroom walls. You won’t believe the fight we had to put up to get her into a white dress today…’


‘Remember, Judy: a husband’s not just for Christmas…’

‘When she was little, Simone always wanted a pony. But how times have changed! Today she wouldn’t get out of bed for less than a couple of monkeys…’

‘The French often say of the British that they prefer animals to humans, and if they met Betty they’d find plenty of ammunition for their argument. Betty keeps a picture of her border collie, Jamie, on her desk at work; she employs a full-time rota of (heavily-vetted!) dog-sitters; and once even considered hiring a pet psychotherapist to cope with Jamie’s mood swings. But let me just put it on record, once and for all: there is NO TRUTH in the rumour that Betty told the girls on her hen night that Jamie kisses better than her new husband…!’


‘Polly and I fell out early on over politics. She asked me in a restaurant if I was Blairite. I replied that I’d always preferred Una Stubbs. Then she asked me what I thought of Cheri, and I’d said I sometimes have a glass with my Mum at Christmas…’


‘This has been the best organised wedding I’ve ever attended. Never before have I been to a wedding where the bats in the belfry are wearing corsages, or where five vicars were rejected because their eye colour didn’t coordinate with the bridal dress. And when one of the ushers complained of feeling “a bit green around the gills “ this morning, he was told it was the wrong shade of green and made to go and have three stiff whiskies before he was allowed to rejoin the wedding party,’

‘I’m not saying they’ve overdone the preparations for this party, but last night I was asked to prepare a toast for the stand-in bride and groom.’


‘There were so many priests on the altar today that I thought we were filming the new sequel to Men in Black…’

Public speaking

‘Unaccustomed as I am to pubic spanking… er… to public spending… er… to public speaking…’


‘Now Dave was very popular at school with the lads for his practical jokes and his astonishing footballing skills. He was pretty popular with the girls too, as I recall. But on the qualifications front, he didn’t fare quite so well. I’m not saying he’s not very academic, but Dave’s the only person I know who’s been expelled from the School of Hard Knocks and sent down from the University of Life. Which was a great shame, really, as he’d only got in through clearing in the first place…’


‘Ladies and gentlemen, it seems to me that a quotation is a handy thing to have about one, saving one the trouble of thinking for oneself. [pause] I think it was AA Milne who said that. [pause] In fact, it might even be said that padding something with quotations is usually done when the author is afraid to present his own opinions or else is anxiously to show that he is widely read. [pause] And that was Philip Bonewits…’


‘A newly-wed couple decide to join a church. The vicar tells them, “We’d be delighted to welcome you into our fold. All we ask first is that you abstain from sex for two weeks then come back and see us.” Two weeks later they return. “How did it go?” asks the vicar. “Well, not very well,” says the husband. “What happened?” asks the vicar. “Well my wife was reaching up for a packet of corn flakes on the top shelf, and the sight of her stretching so excited me that I had to make love to her there and then. “Then I’m afraid you won’t be welcome in our church,” says the vicar. “We’re not too popular at the supermarket either,” says the man.’

‘My courtship with Carole got off to a terrible start when we had a huge row about religion. Of course, I knew she was an Anglican. I just didn’t realise about the Archbishop of Canterbury…’

‘Tracey has been a believer in reincarnation since way back when… ooh, right back to her mollusk days.’


‘When I was preparing this speech, I decided to phone round as many of Cath’s friends and family as I could to see what I could find out about her. Yet strangely, no one would return my calls. Finally, I discovered the truth: “You’ll get nothing out of me,” one tight-lipped girlfriend said. “She’s got too much dirt on us as it is.”’

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