Speech material: When he was a kid

Written by    Last updated: June 6, 2006

Wedding speech material for you to adapt, when you want to focus on the groom’s childhood

By the father of the bride

‘I’ve heard that John was a precocious child. He walked and talked before he was one; he could read and write by the time he was four; and could forge his parents’ signature by the time he was eight!’

‘Malcolm (groom’s father) has been regaling me with stories about Jim’s childhood and I feel it would be rude of me not to share one of them with you today. Apparently Jim was the primary school Romeo. Not that you’d believe it today, but I’m told that he used his special powers to get the girls to kiss him. From what Claire’s told me about his dubious chat‐up routine, it sounds like he abandoned his special powers in favour of Special Brew…’

‘Given that Lucy and George grew up together, I’m in the rare position of having known my new son‐in‐law since he was a babe in arms. And what a babe he was! I’m not saying he was ugly, but why else would his granny have knitted all those blue full‐face balaclavas?’

‘In welcoming Bill into our family, I’m opening my home to the Young Majorette of the Year winner for 1973. Bill, if you ever want help putting up a trophy cabinet in your new home, you only have to ask.’

By the best man

‘Nick and I have been friends since primary school. I think we bonded on our first day because we were the only two kids in the playground who spoke Klingon. I even thought he’d come in character, but I now see those ears are hereditary. Sorry Mr Johnston.’

‘Tony and I spent all our school holidays together when we were kids. If I wasn’t round his house, he was round mine. We always pretended we were the latest action heroes. When I was the Six Million Dollar Man he was Wonder Woman. When I was Batman he was Catwoman. He was Lois Lane to my Superman. And as I’m sure he’ll prove to you all later, he can still cut a dash in tights.’

‘When Jerry was a kid, he wasn’t much to look at. Crazy as that may sound today, when he was a boy he could break mirrors just by looking in them. I don’t know who cut his hair back then but whoever it was, obviously had a grudge. But miracles do happen and, as you can see, time (not to mention a great deal of expensive cosmetic surgery) has turned our ugly duckling into a swan.’

‘Craig and I were always getting into trouble when we were young. Actually, let me start again. I was always getting in to trouble while Craig would get away with blue murder. He’s always been able to charm his way out of a mess and often ended up with an apology from his victims. So what was the little artful dodger’s secret? Perhaps his father ‐‐ an estate agent ‐‐ could explain.’

‘Dan was a real Mummy’s boy when we were kids. He’d get the best packed lunches in school, he’d be driven to and from school every day and was put to bed at the merest hint of a cold. But as you can see, he’s no less of a man for it. OK, so he’s no Charles Atlas… and he’s a bit of a hypochondriac… and he can’t cook… err, and he’s never done his own washing… but he is a demon flower‐arranger.’

By the bride

‘I grew up in the same street as Robbie so I’ve known him since we were about eight. In fact, my friends and I used to keep scores on who we thought were the most fanciable boys in the street. Even then Robbie got the highest marks. Maybe it was his Marc Bolan perm, or his wispy moustache, or the way he could burn rubber on his moped. Or maybe it was because he was the only boy over ten in our street.’

‘When we were kids, Richard refused to speak to me ‐‐ or any other girls for that matter. He only liked Cowboys and Indians, and builders, and motorbikes and the police and the army. Well, it was good enough for the Village People… so who am I to judge?’

‘Mark’s sister has been kind enough to share some of his childhood photos with me. His first potty training accident… his school sports day… his FIRST GIRLFRIEND!! Now you know I’m not the jealous type but… She’s blonde, she’s cute, she’s got a great smile, she’s obviously mad about him and you can tell from the way she wore her nappy that the kid had style.’

By the chief bridesmaid

‘Lucy and I first met Simon at playschool. She was the only girl he’d allow in the Wendy House and he was the only boy she’d let on the water table. It was obviously love at first sight.’

‘Suzie, Mike and I all went to the same school which means I’ve had the dubious pleasure of seeing Mike in a cagoule. He was the sort of kid other boys looked up to. Whether it was his multi‐functioning utility belt or his animal print desert boots that first caught Suzie’s eye, I’ve yet to be told.’

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Speech material: He’s a couch potato

Wedding speech material for you to adapt, for when the groom is a bit of a layabout By the father...

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