Lines to get a laugh

If you’re looking for something funny to say in your best man’s speech but are short of inspiration, read on…

• ‘I’m sure you’ll all agree that the ushers look very smart in their outfits today. And I think they did a really fantastic job, err… ushing people to their seats. Not an easy job with this kind of crowd, I can tell you. Funny, though, the only other time I’ve seen them all together wearing suits is in court. Don’t forget to call your parole officers tonight, fellas.’
• ‘I’ve been privileged enough to know these two as a couple for over five years now. And in all that time I don’t think I’ve once heard them have a row or say a cross word to each other. Rebecca has had nothing but sweet, kind things to say about Richard, and vice versa. They’re affectionate towards each other and kind and considerate towards their friends and family. I give the marriage six months…’
• ‘First of all, I’d like to say what an absolutely fantastic spread that was. A wonderfully generous meal, and so much of it. In fact, I think I might have overeaten. [Looks across the room to someone seated near the back] Tony, could you undo my belt please? You’re nearer…’
• ‘Well done to Tina for catching the bouquet at the church. It looked like it meant a lot to you. And well done for finding a pair of wicket‐keeping gloves that match your hat too…’
• ‘I thought the flowers looked beautiful in the church today. The way the carnations perfectly complemented the pink in the bridesmaid’s dresses was a wonderful touch. And to any girls out there, I am single, by the way, and a really sensitive guy…’
• ‘Poor old Steve’s mild dyslexia put a spanner in the works when it came to the proposal. He sent Jenny a note asking: “Will you be my waif?” Luckily she took the whole thing in the right spirit and wrote back saying: “Of course I will, you silly banker…”’
• ‘They say that when you start thinking about getting married, you should, in fact, be looking for three different types of women. The first is a woman who can give you children and raise a family. The second is a woman who can cook majestically. And the third is someone who is exceptionally romantic and a bit of a firebrand in the bedroom. Of course, it’s very difficult to find all three of these qualities in one woman. If you do, they say, you should marry her straight away. If you don’t, they say, you should make sure that the three of them never, ever meet!’
• ‘I think it’s great that the happy couple have managed to bridge the age gap between them. Clare is, of course, several years younger than Tom. Actually, it could have been a problem early on in their relationship when Tom took Clare to see Spandau Ballet. She had never heard of them and turned up outside the Shepherd’s Bush Empire in a full‐length evening gown and her best pearls, expecting a night watching The Nutcracker, instead of spending the evening with a bunch of balding New Romantics…’
• ‘I’ve got a couple of faxes to read out here. The first is from a Suzy Wong in Thailand. It reads: “Hey, Big Boy. How come you no write no more? How come you no send money no more? When you come to Bangkok again? The kids all miss you very much. Suzie.”’
• ‘I’ve kept some of the text messages that Dan sent me during his courtship with Louise. I’ve got them here and I thought I’d read out a series of four, the contents of which sum up very neatly their blossoming relationship. The first reads: “Tim, met a cracking bird. She’s hot. Keep you posted. Dan.” The second reads: “Going great with Louise. Think she could be the one. God she’s a babe. Dan.” The third reads: “Tonight could be the night with Lou. Bit drunk. Hope it goes okay. D.” The final one reads: ‘Wah‐hey‐heyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!’ [pause] Those were sent to me between the hours of 7pm and 3am on the night of 13 March, 1999.’
• ‘I looked up my stars today for the first time in ages, to see how I’d get on today. But to be honest I don’t really believe in fate or any of that mystical stuff, which is odd for a Libran…’
• ‘I know some of the lads were a bit disappointed that today’s wedding is being held on Cup Final day. It was especially disappointing for all of the Manchester United fans who’ve had to travel here from Scotland, Ireland, Wales, Singapore, Australia and, of course, Devon. I believe one has even had to come from Burnage.’
• ‘I know that the honeymoon destination is shrouded in secrecy. Rich has made sure that Emma doesn’t know where he is taking her for their three romantic weeks alone. When he was quizzed about it on the stag do, all he would say was that it wasn’t far away, it was hot and steamy and there were plenty of water sports. By the sounds of it, Emma, you could be spending three weeks in your bathroom…’