Speech material: He’s a couch potato

Wedding speech material for you to adapt, for when the groom is a bit of a layabout

By the father of the bride

‘I’d always imagined my daughter marrying a high‐flying, thrusting executive who’d spend his working week flying around the world. But that’s not exactly how you’d sum up Brian. Now there are plenty of jobs where you’re forced to sit down all day, but most of them involve a desk and an office. However Brian tells me that I’m still stuck in the twentieth century ‐ that real men now work from home, from their sofa. I’m not sure whether I’m behind the times, or he’s a complete layabout. That being said, at least he’s always there for Sophie when she gets back from work ‐ even if he is watching Neighbours!’


‘I’m not saying my son‐in‐law’s lazy but he sent one of his friends to ask me for my daughter’s hand in marriage. So I exacted my revenge by sending my response in an enormous box ‐ thereby obliging Matt to get off his behind and go and collect it from the post office depot!’

By the best man

‘Now I’m not one to cast aspersions on anyone, but as you might have noticed in church today, “energetic” is not Mark’s middle name. You could even go as far as saying that he’s a hot contender for The World’s Laziest Man title. But to give him his dues, when it comes to women, he’s put in a lot of chasing despite being given the run around so often. But with Fiona it’s been a different story. He’d jump through hoops for her, he’d run a million miles for one of her smiles, gets a spring in his step at the mention of her name and turned cartwheels when she agreed to marry him.’

‘Richard is so lazy that he’ll only buy stuff for his home if it comes with a remote control. If it can’t be switched on and switched off at the touch of a keypad he doesn’t want to know. So when Zoe whispered in his ear that she really wanted him to turn her on, he promised her he knew all the right buttons. And the rest, as they say, is history.’

‘Ed has always been a couch potato. At university he was even known as King Edward. It takes a lot to get him moving ‐ especially if Animal Hospital is on TV ‐ and you could end up waiting for years for him to get ready to go out. So I think we should acknowledge the effort that he’s made in being here today by raising a glass. Don’t worry Ed, you can stay seated!’

By the bride

‘I think it’s fair to say that John and I were drawn together by our mutual laziness. We both like nothing more than pizza and a bottle of wine in front of the telly and the thought of spending hours getting dressed up, just so we can go and meet a few mates seems like a complete waste of time. So we hope you all appreciate the effort we’ve gone to today…’

‘Despite Alan being the love of my love, there’s no denying that he’s bone idle, which is why I had no idea that he was planning to propose. When he said he had something to ask me, I thought it would be “Make us a cuppa would ya?”‘

By the chief bridesmaid

‘I remember how excited Kelly was when Corin asked her to marry him. She came over to my house and couldn’t stop gushing over her ring, her fiancÚ and the wonderful life they were going to share together. I, for my part, was as astonished as Kelly was excited. Knowing how lazy Corin is, and how difficult he finds moving his backside off the sofa, I did wonder how he managed to summon up the energy to reach into his back pocket, pull out the ring, get down on one knee, and still find breath to propose. No wonder they need a break in the sun.’

‘Contrary to popular belief, Hugh doesn’t suffer from narcolepsy. I’ve checked with his parents and I’m pleased to confirm that he’s just bone idle.’

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