Speech material: He’s not squeaky clean

Wedding speech material for you to adapt, for when the groom may have a skeleton or two in the cupboard

By the father of the bride

‘When I was first introduced to Jim I thought he was a fine, upstanding man. He treated me with respect, did the whole down‐on‐one‐knee thing, bought me a fine bottle of vintage claret and told me how much he adored my daughter. What a gentleman… or so I thought! It turns out that he’d downloaded a “How to suck up to your future father‐in‐law” checklist from the Internet. I only know this because I came across it whilst searching for a “How to make your future son‐in‐law squirm!” list.’


‘Much to Jeremy’s embarrassment I’ve been talking to his mother. We’ve spent ages comparing notes on our respective offspring and now both sets of parents feel much better informed! Apparently squeaky‐clean Jeremy wasn’t always such a smooth‐talking, sharp‐suited, go‐getter. In fact, I believe his first suit was bought for his first court appearance.’

‘When Nick invited Claire’s mother and I over to a dinner that he’d cooked, we thought she’d landed herself a New Man. What we didn’t know was that he’d defrosted a pie Claire had made previously and just garnished it with a sprig of parsley.’

By the best man

‘Ben has always been an entrepreneur. Except at school the teachers didn’t really respect his commercial spirit. Whilst he considered his money‐making enterprises to demonstrate creative thinking and immense initiative, his suspension certificate chose to describe it as “extortion”.’

‘Matt is a man with a past. He’s been there, done that, worn the T‐shirt. His philosophy has always been: try everything once, and if you enjoy it, try it again. He’s flirted with the law (and a few WPCs when necessary); he’s broken a few hearts and he’s caused a few blushes. But at the end of the day he’d lay his life on the line for the people he loves. He’s been a true friend to me for 20 years, and I know he’ll be the most loyal, devoted husband to Mandy for the rest of their lives.’

‘My friendship with Simon dates back to our first day at secondary school. I was immediately drawn to him because he looked like the cool one. I’m not sure if it was his bleached blonde hair or his skin tight trousers that made him stand out from the crowd, or his huge badge collection and his Masters of the Universe backpack. Man, that boy had style! Best of all, his attitude earned the reputation of school rebel. He refused to wear black socks. He did his homework in biro. And once he even cracked a test tube on purpose. He was wild!’

‘As we all know, Chris is a highly successful businessman now. But that hasn’t always been the case. In fact his early forays into employment were a disaster. He was fired from his paper round when his boss found out he’d used them to make a life‐size papier m

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