Spoof telegrams to adapt to your wedding speech and poke a little fun…

By the groom

‘I’ve just got a couple of telegrams to read out here. I know this is usually the best man’s job but these are actually addressed to Tim. The first reads: “Dear Mr Thomas. Further to your enquiries about tattoo removal, I enclose a price list. Please note that due to the sensitive nature of…” Err, that must be from the stag do, I guess. You can read that later, Tim. The second reads: “Dear Mr Thomas, in the light of your exemplary character witnesses, we are willing to waive the charges, on the condition that you return Billy, the regimental goat, within two working days. Yours, Lieutenant‐Colonel F.P. Farthington‐Smythe.”


‘Any comment on those, Tim?’

By the best man

‘I’ve just got a couple of telegrams to read out. One is all the way from Marseilles in France, where I think, Dan, you went on holiday a couple of years ago, didn’t you? Anyway, it reads: “Allo Danielle. Ow are you? I mees zat you no write to mee no more. Les enfants, zey cry all zee time and zey miss zere Papa. Ven you are returning a France? I vant to faire l’amour with you! encore! encore!…’

‘And here’s another cheery message from some old friends: “Best of luck on the big day, Slasher. The slammer’s a lonelier place without yer. Hope it all goes well with the new lovely lady and cheers for the snout. Can’t wait to visit when we all get out.” And that’s signed: “The boys on C Wing.”’

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