What we really got up to

Wedding speech material for you to adapt – for when the stag night was all a bit of a blur

By the groom

‘I expect you’re all wondering what we got up to on the stag weekend. I’m sure that you’re all desperate to know some of the more salacious details. You’d love to know about some of the depraved and debauched behaviour that went on over the weekend. Well, there’s an old adage that goes, “What goes on tour, stays on tour.” This is a solemn and unspoken agreement, entered into by anyone attending such an event.


‘Although, I must say, anyone who has ever used this as an excuse also knows the real reason behind it. It is, in fact, a great way of covering up the fact that you can’t remember a single detail about the weekend, other than the first hour of the journey. The rest is just an expensive blur…’

By the best man

‘And so on to the most important part of my speech. A blow‐by‐blow account of exactly what went on at the stag do. I expect you’re all dying to know all of the gory details. I’d really like to tell you: of how Rob got bed‐wettingly drunk; of how he found himself pole‐dancing with two girls from the Swedish netball team; of how he had to be dragged out of the tattoo parlour; of how he was arrested for “acts of a lewd and lascivious nature” on the sea front; and of how he chatted up a rhododendron bush for three hours outside the nightclub. (pause) I’d really like to tell you all about that… but I can’t. As usual Rob had two Bacardi Breezers and passed out at nine o’clock.’

‘What did we get up to on the stag night, I hear you ask? Did Rob disgrace himself? Did the lads stitch him up? I’m saying nothing. My lips are sealed. All I’m going to say, Rob, is I’m glad to see your eyebrows have grown back!’

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